NBA Free Agency

List: What your preferred NBA free agent target says about you

This NBA offseason, a slew of elite players will be free agents and potentially looking for new homes. Every fanbase with cap room is drooling over the possibilities but which free agent gets you excited says a lot about the kind of person you are.

Kevin Durant: You complain constantly about the service at your local Chilis but you still eat there at least twice a month. You always know the score during your regular Wednesday night pick-up game and make sure to remind everyone at every dead ball. You’re definitely not letting this idiot merge in front of you, not when he could have changed lanes way back there where the traffic started backing up. It’s not your fault that you planned ahead and he didn’t — indecisive drivers like this are why we all have to deal with traffic in the first place.

Al Horford: Your weekly D&D group always makes you be the Dungeon Master. You’re tired of having to do all the work of designing the campaigns and, secretly, you wish you could just play a true neutral rogue but you know if you’re not the DM then Scott would be and the whole group would just fall apart.

D’Angelo Russell: You like to think of yourself as “solution-oriented” but your solutions are usually lots of instructional videos on YouTube, followed by liberal applications of duct tape and gorilla glue. Whenever you ask a question in a meeting at work everyone starts rolling their eyes and sighing deeply but you just want to make sure everyone really understands the full implications of these new workflow processes.

Kyrie Irving: You spend a lot of time on Facebook, promoting your new multi-level marketing enterprise and looking for Keto-friendly mozzarella stick recipes. Last Sunday, you spent an afternoon at Barnes and Noble, picking out the perfect mix of books to satisfy your intellectual curiosities. Then you neatly stacked them on your nightstand in descending order by size and posted a photo of them on Instagram with the hashtag #AmReading. You did not have a lot of time to watch playoff basketball this year.

Kemba Walker: You have a tendency towards self-sabotaging relationships because, deep down, you don’t think you deserve to be happy. You’re just trying to live in the moment but, at this moment, you think you might be getting a kidney stone.

Tobias Harris: You’re an eternal optimist, the kind of person who sees the best in everyone. High school friends and distant relatives are always looking to reconnect because they have an amazing new investment opportunity and they really want to help you get in on the ground floor. You live for the simple pleasures, like friendly, innocuous banter with the high school kids who work the counter at the Chipotle around the corner from your job.

DeMarcus Cousins: You’re really more of a football fan.

Jimmy Butler: You keep a mental list of people who “real” friends and people who are “fake” friends. The lists are constantly changing. When you try a new restaurant, the first thing you do is check the menu to see if they have one of those eating challenges where you can get a free t-shirt for eating like two-dozen habanero wings.

Klay Thompson: You left the University of Colorado six credits short of your degree but it’s fine because you were smarter than most of your professors anyway. You only drink west-coast IPAs, something you spent a lot of time talking about at your cousin’s wedding last summer.

Kawhi Leonard: You like it when your favorite NBA team wins a championship.

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