The Whiteboard is The Step Back’s daily basketball newsletter, covering the NBA, WNBA and more. Subscribe here to get it delivered to you via email each morning.
We’re heading into what would normally be the season for outdoor music and art festivals, everyone’s favorite venue to show off their collection of ridiculous NBA throwback jerseys. Things are going to look a little bit different this summer but jerseys, particularly the obscure throwbacks, have worked their way into the fashion mainstream. So much so that they’re now suitable attire for all sorts of occasions.
If you have something special on your calendar over the next few months, here’s the perfect NBA jersey to wear for it.
The day of your daughter’s wedding
It is this, the day of your daughter’s wedding. You want to project an appropriate degree of warmth and welcome to your new extended family members. To your new son-in-law, you want to hold the balance between approval and the hint of implied danger should he ever hurt your princess. To the line of well-wishers and hangers-on outside your office, you need to maintain the facade of dominance and control.
Minor outpatient surgery
When heading in for a minor procedure, let’s say wisdom teeth extraction with general anesthesia, the most important factors are both reminding the staff of your inherent worth as a human being and not doing anything that could ruffle feathers. They might do hundreds of procedures every year and you want to let them know that you’re not just a slab of meat and you’re certainly not a slab of meat with controversial sports opinions. For this, you need to wear a jersey that puts a smile on everyone’s faces, a jersey that makes a statement everyone can respect.
As you settle into that tiny little table for two and fumble your way through the awkward greeting, let them know that you’re capable of heating up in a hurry.
Giving a Ted Talk
If you’ve been designated as having an “idea worth spreading” you’ll want to project as much intellectual superiority as possible — if for no other reason than to undermine the entire concept of Ted Talk with increasing realization that if the edifice persists long enough every human will have the chance to deliver one. You need a jersey that says, “I understand how the world works and I’m here to share the secret with you.”
The jersey: A white, home, Shane Battier Rockets jersey
The whole idea of kindergarten graduation is silly but it’s a nice thing for the kids and creates a golden photo opportunity for your family. You’ll want a pair of jerseys, for you and your kindergartner, that creates a tangible nostalgic link but also broadcasts that you don’t take yourself to seriously.
Late-night run for a pint of Cherry Garcia
As you head out for some munchies to fuel your re-binge of Laguna Beach, season 1, you’ll need something casual that matches your sweatpants and Adidas shower sandals. You can’t go with anything too modern or too classic because the 16-year-old kid at the gas station will recognize it and judge you. The best bet is something that he’ll have to Google after you leave the store. It would also be nice if it’s black, to hide the stains from last night’s pint of Phish Food.
The jersey: A black, Bryant Reeves Grizzlies jersey
Conventional wisdom says to dress for the job you want, not the job you have. If you’re anything like me, that dream job is point guard for the Milwaukee Bucks in the early 2000s, kicking it out to Michael Redd for rainbow lefty 3-pointers and tossing lobs to Desmond Mason.
Remember when Monta Ellis had it all? He may have never been one of the NBA’s best players, but in his prime, he was consistently one of the most thrilling.
The wall behind your desk has become a statement to the world about who you are. Here’s how to build a basketball bookcase to impress hoopheads in your Zoom meetings.
I’m not sure anyone is doing quarantine content better than Katie Heindl. Here she is rounding up the latest in NBA players fighting off cabin fever in isolation and here is her meditation on what the Toronto Raptors won and lost this season.
Jason Concepcion collected all the lies that Michael Jordan told us and himself in The Last Dance.