Orlando Magic, Patrick Ewing, (TONY RANZE/AFP via Getty Images)
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We’re heading into what would normally be the season for outdoor music and art festivals, everyone’s favorite venue to show off their collection of ridiculous NBA throwback jerseys. Things are going to look a little bit different this summer but jerseys, particularly the obscure throwbacks, have worked their way into the fashion mainstream. So much so that they’re now suitable attire for all sorts of occasions.
If you have something special on your calendar over the next few months, here’s the perfect NBA jersey to wear for it.
The day of your daughter’s wedding
It is this, the day of your daughter’s wedding. You want to project an appropriate degree of warmth and welcome to your new extended family members. To your new son-in-law, you want to hold the balance between approval and the hint of implied danger should he ever hurt your princess. To the line of well-wishers and hangers-on outside your office, you need to maintain the facade of dominance and control.
The jersey: A classic, black, Tim Duncan Spurs jersey from 2003
Minor outpatient surgery
When heading in for a minor procedure, let’s say wisdom teeth extraction with general anesthesia, the most important factors are both reminding the staff of your inherent worth as a human being and not doing anything that could ruffle feathers. They might do hundreds of procedures every year and you want to let them know that you’re not just a slab of meat and you’re certainly not a slab of meat with controversial sports opinions. For this, you need to wear a jersey that puts a smile on everyone’s faces, a jersey that makes a statement everyone can respect.
The jersey: A red, Spud Webb Hawks jersey, the same one he wore in the dunk contest
Blind date
As you settle into that tiny little table for two and fumble your way through the awkward greeting, let them know that you’re capable of heating up in a hurry.
The jersey: A custom, golden, Wizards, Gilbert Arenas jersey that says “Hibachi” on the back
Giving a Ted Talk
If you’ve been designated as having an “idea worth spreading” you’ll want to project as much intellectual superiority as possible — if for no other reason than to undermine the entire concept of Ted Talk with increasing realization that if the edifice persists long enough every human will have the chance to deliver one. You need a jersey that says, “I understand how the world works and I’m here to share the secret with you.”
The jersey: A white, home, Shane Battier Rockets jersey
Kindergarten graduation
The whole idea of kindergarten graduation is silly but it’s a nice thing for the kids and creates a golden photo opportunity for your family. You’ll want a pair of jerseys, for you and your kindergartner, that creates a tangible nostalgic link but also broadcasts that you don’t take yourself to seriously.
The jersey: A red, Manute Bol Bullets’ jersey for you, a red, Muggsy Bogues Bullets’ jersey for your kid
Late-night run for a pint of Cherry Garcia
As you head out for some munchies to fuel your re-binge of Laguna Beach, season 1, you’ll need something casual that matches your sweatpants and Adidas shower sandals. You can’t go with anything too modern or too classic because the 16-year-old kid at the gas station will recognize it and judge you. The best bet is something that he’ll have to Google after you leave the store. It would also be nice if it’s black, to hide the stains from last night’s pint of Phish Food.
The jersey: A black, Bryant Reeves Grizzlies jersey
Job interview
Conventional wisdom says to dress for the job you want, not the job you have. If you’re anything like me, that dream job is point guard for the Milwaukee Bucks in the early 2000s, kicking it out to Michael Redd for rainbow lefty 3-pointers and tossing lobs to Desmond Mason.
The jersey: An XXL T.J. Ford Bucks jersey, with matching shorts
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